October 14, 2014 was the tragic day when I lost my Mom. I wasn't exactly sure what to feel or what to do or to even react at that time, I just felt numb. I just felt that my whole world fell apart, because it really did. I was in the state of denial like, 'No, this is not happening. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.'
Today, January 14, 2015; Its been exactly 3 months since she left me, but it seems like only yesterday when it happened. Sobrang sakit pa, unexplainable pain. Memories of her suffering is still vivid, like in my dreams she felt so real that I don't want to wake up when I'm holding her. I was in a coma-like state during the holidays, it was my first holiday without her.
Like what you're gonna say to your own Mom, mine was the greatest, the best, there's nothing more that I could ask for. My relationship with my Mom was not the typical 'teleserye' scenarios where the mother and daughter constantly exchange i love yous or hug each other. We don't share things, we don't talk about stuff, I don't share her my secrets, I could be on my bed all day facing my laptop or my smartphone but for crying out loud she was my number one supporter and ally. She's a quiet type, a loner perhaps; a big crowd makes her feel uncomfortable. With her quietness and being not so talkative I think the problem occurred, I didn't know that she's feeling different because she's not telling me anything. Its like, "its for me to know and for you to find out."
It started when she asked me that she's been coughing uncontrollably for months. For me with no medical background or whatsoever, I suggested the basic way, drink medicines. She said she tried, but it didn't changed a thing. Until she forgot about it again, and we're back to our normal routines in life.
April 2, 2014 when the problem started to occur, me and my bestfriend had this planned vacation trip to Puerto Galera. We were boarding the boat on the way to the island at Batangas Port when my cousin Atom called. I thought it was a perfect day, or so I thought..
'Yung Mama mo sinugod namin sa ospital, sumuka ng madaming dugo. Kumalat sa buong tindahan.' My cousin said.
I froze, nanghina yung mga binti ko like I'm gonna faint, and for the last minute I wanted to back out but the boat was already on its way to the island. I told them what happened to my Mom and offered their suggestions.
'Bes kung gusto mo bumalik na lang tayo.' Ella, my bestfriend said.
I was in no mood to talk, my head was filled with worries about my Mom. When we reached the island I wanted to board the next boat back to Batangas Port, but our boat was the last trip for the day, the next boat that will go back to Batangas Port will be tomorrow morning.
'Nasaan ka ba? 50/50 na yung Mama mo dito. Tawagan mo na yung mga kapatid ng Mama mo, papuntahin mo dito sa Lung Center.' My Uncle said.
Tears fell down from my cheeks amidst the shining sun and the cold waves of the beach. I wanted to swim back. I felt scared. There are so many things running on my mind on that time. I called her sister and other relatives and they came at the hospital.
Ano ba nangyari sa kanya?
Ano na lagay niya?
Nasaan siya?
Sino kasama niya?
Bakit hindi niya sinasabi sakin yung nararamdaman niya?
I was so scared sa kung anong pwede kong abutan paguwi ko. I feel like my veins were shaking, my companions made me calm, and I didn't touched my phone the entire trip aside from taking pictures. I was scared to read the text messages or answer phone calls, I was too scared.
I survived the day and it's time to go home. From Batangas Port to Cubao lalo akong kinakabahan, I don't want to go home yet, natatakot ako. Dumeretso ako sa Lung Center of the Philippines. It was already 7pm, I rushed to the hospital, my Mom was in the isolation room, ICU. Lalo akong natakot, is it really that bad? The nurse told me that the visiting hours was over, I told them that I just got home from Mindoro and I'm the only daughter, I won't take long. The nurse let me in, and I cried so hard when I saw her on the small glass on her door. I never thought that she was that skinny, although she's thin, bumagsak lalo katawan niya. Her nose has oxygen and there was a christmas tree-like dextrose beside her. My God, si Mama ko yan. I entered the room, and she woke up. I was still crying. She has Tuberculosis, in a severe manner na nagasgas na yung baga niya kasi sobrang tagal na walang treatment kaya sobrang ingat dapat.
'Ma, bakita hindi mo sinabi?' I kissed her forehead while crying.
She was silent, she was always silent and her eyes watering. Dobleng sakit yung naramdaman ko when I saw my Mom.
'Magpagaling ka, uuwi tayo. Lalakas ka tapos magpapataba ka ha?'
The nurse knocked the door and signaled for me to leave. Hindi pwedeng matagal na may ibang tao from outside na visitor si Mama, her condition was too sensitive, baka daw kung anong bacteria ang maipasok ko doon from outside.
When I went home to drop my things, the floor has still trails of dried blood all over. The walls, the chairs. Bloodstains all over the bedsheet and blanket. Naiyak ako, nanghina. Why is this happening? For the next days me and my cousin Atom, take shifting turns of who will overnight outside the Isolation Room. Hindi pwedeng walang bantay kasi maski disoras ng gabi, the nurse will wake you up to buy medicines. I'm the one feeding her on lunch and dinner, an allotment of 1 hour for every meal, dun ko lang siya nakakasama. My Uncle provides the finances for her medicine, mahina ang 5-8k a day, and she lasted there for a month. Sobrang hiyang hiya ako sa Uncle ko, I can't help with the finances because I don't have work at that time, no financial resources. I can't be choosy at the time when my Mom was hospitalized. Natutulog sa karton na nakalatag sa floor, hindi pwedeng hindi kainin yung mga pagkain na dinadala. Hindi uubra yung pa-choosy choosy, magugutom ako. I was able to eat all the varieties of food that Ministop can offer pag hindi nakakapagdala ng food, that's the nearest and cheapest place to buy food and the carinderias outside the hospital.
I saw the bright side when I'm seeing Mom's noticeable changes regarding her condition. Tumataba, lumalakas kumain, nakakapagsalita na, she said she's feeling better, kumokonti na yung mga dextrose na naka sabit sa tabi niya, and yes we can go home na. But the downfall is, her hospital bill rounded up to whooping Php 100,000 for a month of stay. My Uncle can't take the fall of paying that. He was my Dad's brother, and I guess too much help like that is not his obligation anymore, I understand that. He managed to help me by asking me to seek financial aids in any possible institutions. Yes, I lined up for Social Service, PCSO, isa isahin yung mga offices ng Councilors sa City Hall asking for financial aids. Kailangan ko gawin ito, para sa Mama ko ito.
This was the hardest part, the money. I fist took the Social Service interview inside the hospital, pabalik balik, ang daming requirements, habulan ng Doctor that only takes his rounds once a day with no definite time. The hospital managed to give us a discount of Php 75,000, effective yung kaartehan ko. I should look at act kawawa daw, so I did. Sobrang degrading and Social Service interviews, lalo na yung sa City Hall, hahalukayin yung buong buhay mo and you have to prove and justify na wala ka talagang pagkukuhanan ng pera.
'Bakit hindi kayo magka-apelyido ng Mama mo?'
'Nasaan yung mga ibang kamag anak niya?'
She was listed as indigent, with no capacity to earn money on her own. Single mother, unmarried to my Father; those were the sad truths. Then I lined up for PCSO, along with those other people that needs financial aid. I had quick chats with different kinds of people in line, some telling me that, 'Bakit ikaw ang nakapila, eh di ka naman mukhang mahirap. Baka maliit na pera lang ibigay sayo niyan.' At least meron pa din, I said to myself. Sobrang hirap, nakakaiyak, mainit, nakakagutom, hindi ka pwede umalis sa pila. The only ones that could line up for PCSO is the immediate family, asawa o anak lang. Since I lost my Dad when I was 6 and I don't have any siblings, ako lang talaga. Wala akong karapatang magreklamo maski ang daming reklamo nasa utak ko, I can't voice that out, wala sa lugar, para kay Mama naman yun e. PCSO gave us Php 20,000 pesos which leaves us 5k-6k left along with other miscellaneous. Then inisa isa ko yung offices ng Councilors, yung iba by approval, isa lang ang nagbigay agad, si Daza. I'm gonna vote for her. I got 1,000 and Uncle paid for the remaining balance and we're good to go.
Weeks after my Mom is doing well na, she can't move around that much at first but as time passes by, she's getting strong. She's having her monthly check up at Lung Center and I'm taking care of her maintenance medicines. Knowing that she's getting better, at July I enrolled at school, getting full load, and at the same time I got a job. I was studying in the morning (7am-12pm), and working at night (1pm-10pm). A quick chitchat is all I can offer her when I get home from work 5 days a week, kamustahin siya how she's been feeling, and she said everything was getting better until one night..
I got home from work at around 11pm, my Mom was sitting at her usual chair with food in front of her na isang subo lang ang nakain.
'Tignan mo nga itong dibdib ko, parang umuusli.' She said. I kneeled beside her and touched her chest.
'Ma, hindi umuusli, pumapayat ka nanaman.' I said.
I told her to eat more, bought her milk of her like, Anchor, and told her to take lots of rest. It's time for her monthly check up and the Doctor told me that I should confine my Mom again because they found air in her lungs, Pneumothorax, she said. Beacuse of the prolonged untreated tuberculosis that made her lung severely damaged, the right one collpsed, creating holes na pinasukan ng hangin na kailangan matanggal. I reacted violently, akala ko tubig lang ang pwedeng pumasok sa baga, pwede pala tubig. I called my Uncle and he told me to confine her at East Avenue. So I did.
Not again. I said to myself, okay na eh. What happened again? The Doctor said that we should put a tube on her chest, to suck out the air, she said. I don't know that it was a good idea but if it means her recovery, its a yes. Since her condition is not so severe, we confined her at the ward, sobrang dami nila sa ward. It's like a big basement with like a hundred patients in it. Numerous xrays, ctscans, 3d echo that is very expensive. After a week the Doctor said that wala naman nabawas na air sa baga niya. Arlynne, one of my cousins was very patient in taking care of my Mom. Pag-ihi, pag-dumi, sinusubuan sa pagkain, she all did that when I'm not around. But since she has other things that she wants to do at darating talaga yung time na mapapagod siya, I have to take the fall. I reached out for my other relatives on my Mom's side. Her siblings, my cousins, but no help came. Pinilit kong intindihin yung family reasons nila maski sobrang kumikitid na yung utak ko sa pagod at pag-aalala. School 7am-12pm, work 1pm-10pm, visiting my mom 11pm-2am then going home, maswerte na ang 3 hours na tulog ko. Hindi ako nakakaramdam ng pagod o antok o puyat. Weekends I'm taking the full shift at the hospital, looking at the bright side na gagaling din si Mama. After a month of no progress, the Doctor said that she should undergo an operation but the charity ward line up will take her 2-3 months and hindi siya pwede operahan kasi she's too malnourished, 45lbs. Kailangan niya tumaba at magpalakas kasi baka hindi niya kayanin yung operation. We decided to take her home, the Doctor taught me how to clean her wound and how to change bandage. Nakakatakot, cleaning the wound is very scary than putting alcohol on your own open wound, isang mali lang, it could make the situation worse.
After another month of being hospitalized in a 2 month interval since the last one, I still reached out for my cousins on my Mom's side. I even offered one of my female cousin na wala pang asawa or anak na pagaaralin ko, free place to stay and everything that could make her feel comfortable, all for taking care for my Mom, pero wala, napakadaming excuses and I can't tolerate the bullshit anymore, kung ayaw, di wag.
'Ate, ang tagal mo kasi ako sunduin. Naghanap na ako ng ibang trabaho.'
She texted me if I can pick her up at Tayuman, I asked for the exact address, but no replies. Ano, hahalughugin ko siya sa buong Tayuman?
My cousins from my Dad's side was the people who physically helped me, until my Uncle hired someone to take care of her. But most of the time my Mom wants me to feed her and for me just staying beside her. She always wants me by her side because she said she's feeling scared.
'Dito ka na lang mag-laptop sa tabi ko. Basta diyan ka lang sa nakikita kita.' She would tell me, and I did.
But then again, I'm working and studying. After a few weeks my Mom can't move anymore, she constantly calls out on me in wee hours in the morning to massage her legs cause she said she feels so numb, wala na pakiramdam. I told her that I have to sleep because I have to work and go to school. Every payday after work, I'd buy her food of which she requests few days back. It would be cheesy ensaymada, pizza or pork barbeque. I feel sad everytime I look at her, she's getting weaker and weaker.
October 13, 2014, as I always do my rounds, sitting on a chair beside her bed and chatting with her, I asked her kung anong pasalubong ang gusto niya kasi sa 15 sahod ko na. She said that she wanted that barbeque that I always bring home for her, she likes it so much. Malasa daw, malambot. It was Grill Queen's. Around 3am, I woke up cause she was calling out on me, since she can't move even her head, she said:
'Sabihin mo nga sa katabi ko na umalis siya sa tabi ko, mabigat siya e.Yung baba niya tumutusok sa balikat ko.' My God. All the hair on my body stood up. I felt like my head grew bigger and i felt weak.
'Ma, wala kang katabi, tayong dalawa lang ang nandito.' I nearly cried.
'Hindi. Meron, isa sa tabi ko tapos yung isa ayan oh, nakaupo.' She said again, looking at her chair.
I was really, really scared. Who are those people that she sees? Sabi nila, sinusundo na daw siya. I told her to go back to sleep but I wasn't able to sleep again, I was so scared that I might see those people that she sees. I messaged Ella and told her what happened.
'Bes, ayoko sana sabihin to, pero ihanda mo na yung sarili mo sa pwedeng mangyari sa Mama mo.' She said.
The next day, she was eating fruits when I woke up, then after a while her Nanny called up on me.
'Ate, tignan mo si Mama mo.' Her voice so low.
Kinabahan ako, i walked up on my Mom and she can barely open her eyes, she's having a hard time breathing. I shouted and called my Uncle who immediately called a Priest. After 10 minutes the Priest came and prayed over my Mom, saying that she's ready to go.
Around 11am, I was beside her, she could barely speak and she said:
'Wag mo papabayaan si Bryan ha.' She said, Bryan was my dog, a 4 year old male Lhasa Apso.
'Palagi mo tatandaan na mahal na mahal kita, huwag mo papabayaan sarili mo.' Those was her last words, her voice could barely pronouce a word. I burst into tears and called out my Uncle, I shouted so hard. I was kneeling beside her bed, holding her hand. My Uncle held her head and said, 'Wag ka mag-alala, hindi ko papabayaan si Ana Bell, ako na bahala sa kanya.' She held her last breath after that and her eyes completely closed. I shouted, I cried, nagwala ako. I shook her, I'm demanding for her to wake up, I kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her hands, I hugged her so tight, I was calling out for her, i kept on saying, 'MA, TAWAGIN MO AKO, SABIHIN MO PANGALAN KO.' I was in no state already. 'Ma please, sabihin mo pangalan ko.' I cried and cried. I just kept on talking to her, kissing her, holding her. I'm telling her things.
Mama naman, wag naman ganyan. Pano na lang ako? Ikaw lang kakampi ko e. Tayong dalawa na nga lang natitira diba?
Ma, huwag mo gawin sa akin ito. Ayoko, hindi pwede. AYOKO.
Diba sabi ko bibilhan kita nung gusto mong barbeque sa sahod ko? Bukas na yun e. Diba gusto mo yon?
Mama, sabihin mo naman pangalan ko. Hindi naman totoo to e.
Ma, please. Gagraduate pa ako. Ibibigay ko sayo lahat gusto mo. Yung malagong tindahan na gusto mo, ibibigay ko pa sayo yon.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sobrang sorry.
Sorry kasi hindi ko naagapan,
Sorry kasi wala akong nagawa.
Sorry kasi hindi pa enough yung mga nagawa ko.
Sorry, sorry, sorry,
Siguro kung nagayos lang ako ng pagaaral dati, sana graduate na ako ngayon at nakakuha ng trabaho na mataas ang sahod tapos naprovide ko lahat ng gusto niya. Para sa kanya na lang ako naka-focus.
Siguro kung umeffort na ako ng konti sa pagaalaga sa kanya siguro nakasama ko pa siya ng mas matagal.
Sobrang natatakot ako, takot na takot ako, yun lang yung nararamdaman ko nung mga panahong yon.
ULILA NA AKO. Walang magulang, walang kapatid.
Diyos ko, hindi man ako madalas na nagdadasal at marami akong maling ginawa sa buhay ko, pero bakit kailangan ganito ang mangyari sa akin? Lahat na kinuha mo, wala ka na itinira sa akin. Una kinuha mo yung Papa ko nung 6 years old ako, alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap lumaki ng walang tatay? Buti nga kinaya ni Mama lahat e. Tapos ngayon, si Mama naman. Alam kong hindi mo ako bibigyan ng pagsubok na hindi ko kakayanin, pero grabe naman ito. Inulila mo ako e. Hindi mo na nga ako binigyan ng pagkakataon na makasama ng magatal ang Papa ko, na makita man lang niya ako lumaki, ngayon si Mama naman, siya na lang natitira sa akin e. Buti sana kung may mga kapatid ako, kaso wala e. Wala na, wala na lahat. Bakit ka naman ganyan? kinuha mo naman lahat, KINUHA MO NA SILA LAHAT.
Tita Weng was with me inside the room, I was still holding my Mom's hand. I stopped crying and I burst into tears again then I said to my Aunt: 'Tita Weng, lumalamig na si Mama, lumalamig na siya!' Mas lalo akong natatakot. Ma, please. Wag mong gawin sakin ito. She hugged me, and after a while of crying, I stopped again. I can hear my Uncle talking to my cousin Atom to go to Claret Church to prepare for my Mom's wake. I reacted, I don't want to have her a wake, I wanted her to be cremated the same day. I don't want to wake up the next morning and seeing her dead and lying in a coffin. Mas masakit. They immediately looked for a 24 hour cremation services, at 4pm, Zen Gardens at San Mateo, Rizal picked her up. I was so inconsolable at this time, para akong nababaliw..
The man there told me to give my final words to my Mom, I just kissed her cold forehed and hugged her, saying I love her, I'm sorry and I'll be okay. I watched her being cremated. On the other side I felt regrets, I wanted to see her again, not in ashes, pero andun na e. I picked an urn, they sealed her ashes in there and I held that until we get home.
That night I was so mad, i just cried. I was so bitter over my Mom's relatives. Nagagalit ako sa kanila. Hindi nila kami tinulungan. Pag kaya ko na, wala silang makukuhang tulong sakin ni singkong duling. I want to cut off every communication I have with them, consider me dead also. Sobrang kitid ng utak ko, wala akong pinapakinggang explanations.
The following days I was so depressed, waking up in wee hours in the morning because I thought I heard my Mom calling out on me. But then again, wala. I will wake up and I will just cry, I'm looking for my Mom. I didn't touched her things, I wanted to preserve her smell. I would lay down on her bed, sitting in her favorite chair. At night i would go to her room and call her out, closing my eyes and hoping that she would answer back. I wanted to hear her, I'm not scared. I wanted her to appear in my dreams, but she didn't. I would stare at the closed television hoping that I could see her reflection in there, but none. All of those things na napapanood ko sa horror movies where they would see a ghost, I did it all. I would constantly cry myself to sleep, and one night I thought I heard another weeping sound beside me, someone crying. I stopped, but it also stopped. I was being paranoid. But I guess it happens to a daughter who just lost her Mom.
I was so bitter that I want to be rude to everybody, ang tapang tapang ko, I don't want anybody around, I don't like to see familiar faces of people who would remind me that my Mom died. I hate reading condolences on my private messages on my social media accounts of those people concerned. Condolences just reminds me that my Mom is already dead. That feeling na buhay ka pa pero pinapatay ka ng pakiramdam mo. Often times I feel like my head is so big, I get irratated for no reason. I didn't accept those kind and nice words that people would tell me. NO! You don't know how it feels, you still have your Mom! When my Mom had her 40 days, relatives from her side came. Ayoko lumabas ng kwarto, ayoko sila makita. After ng padasal I went out and got a tattoo. It's a Dreamcatcher, I replaced the net with roman numeral numbers of the date of birth and the date of death of my parents.
I stopped school, I quit work, I broke up with my girlfriend in a brutal manner, I barely go out of the house at day, and I wanted to be heavily drunk every single night. So drunk every night that when I reached my bed I'd fall sleep. It went on for months, and I'm not seeing the bright side. Bring her back, please bring her back. I didn't blamed anyone, I blamed myself. I didn't pray either, I was so fucked up.
Then there was this teleserye at ABS-CBN entitled OMG!, starred by Janella Salvador. About a teen who lost her parents and without known siblings, OH I CAN RELATE. She would constantly ask God questions and I'd just say, OMG SOPHIE I ASKED THE SAME QUESTIONS BUT I DIDN'T GET ANY ANSWERS! I was so bitter.
After a few months, facing the consequences of my stupid and careless actions, life became so negative, slapping me the reality and the truth. I wanted my life to go back to normal, peaceful. I was able to reconcile with Anna and I thank God it wasn't too late, I opened my heart and mind to those people who didn't help me when I am in need. I learned things the hard way and I fully understood why these things happened to me. Maybe God wanted me to learn. Sabi nila buti nga nakapagpaalam pa si Mama sa akin bago siya mawala, yung iba biglaan. Sabi nila hindi na daw nahihirapan si Mama at nasa maayos na siya. Sabi nila palagi daw ako binabantayan ni Mama. Those things na sobrang hindi ko matanggap dati, but now I'm accepting it.
Ang acceptance, matagal talaga yan. Hindi naman pwedeng paggising mo the next day, okay na lahat. Pag minadali, mas nakakasabog. My family was very supportive in my depressing state, they would often check out on me, but never demanded me to stop doing this or that. They knew that I had been drinking every night, and got worried. They talked to me in a calm manner, until sa kumalma na din ako eventually. Naisip ko, I still have my family and friends, I still have those people whom I am very thankful for. Sa mga tumulong ng sobra, pag kaya ko na, ako naman.
Mahal na mahal kita Mama, thank you for the 27 years of taking care of me. You were so brave to overcome the childbirth sa akin through hilot, without any anesthesia. Sa paggising ko kada umaga na may naka handa nang almusal at maayos na kama na tutulugan ko sa gabi paguwi ko. Sa paglaba at pagplantsa sa mga damit ko. Sa pagaayos mo ng gamit ko na ako pa ang galit kasi akala ko nawawala. Sorry sa lahat Mama. Isusubo mo na lang, ibibigay mo pa sa akin. Never mo nga ako sinamahan sa enrollment o umattend ng PTA meeting sa school o lumabas sa sala pag birthday ko, ang mahalaga andiyan ka. Yung sinasabi mo na ipapaputol mo yung dulong daliri mo pag may magsasabing kamukha ko yung anak nilang babae kasi sabi mo maganda ako sa kanilang lahat. Salamat sa mga tawa, iyak at sa hindi pagiwan sa akin sa loob ng 27 years. Tiniis mo lahat para sa akin, mabigyan lang ako ng maayos na buhay. Malaki na ako, kaya ko na sarili ko, alam kong alam mong hindi ko kaya mag-isa pero nakakayanan ko Ma. May mga time pa din na hinahanap kita pag hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, palagi pa din kita kinakausap. Gusto ko marinig ang boses mo. I love you, Mama. Maraming salamat. Sorry sa lahat ng mga pagkukulang ko kung hindi man umabot.
